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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.