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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."