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If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.