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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
You know I feel the frustration that The Skipper endured because there are days that I too am surrounded by Gilligans
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."