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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"