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I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."