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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.