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If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.