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I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.