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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.