Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?