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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"