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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.