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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.