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I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."