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Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.