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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.