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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.