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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....