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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."