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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.