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For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M