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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone