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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.