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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
The fox says you need to stop.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?