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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.