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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.