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It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.