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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time