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Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.