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I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something