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Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”