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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)