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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?