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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.