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Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?