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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.