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Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...