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Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
I need more people like me in my life
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"