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I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.