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So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it