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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."