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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.