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My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?