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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
My wife looks for signs Iām cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Mondays should start at noon.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?