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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"