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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.