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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.