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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.