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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`