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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge