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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.