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Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.