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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool