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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...