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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!