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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.