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It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.