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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.