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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.