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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Go ahead caller 9!!
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?