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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.