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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.