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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.