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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..