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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.