Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..