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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?