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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.