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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.