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Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.