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If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.