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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.