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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.